A Lost Calling

Over recent weeks I've seriously been thinking about my calling as a wife and mother. I believe it's the highest calling given to women, and yet I've had to ask myself: does my life reflect this?

I've been tired. So tired. And because I work my family has received not the first fruits of my time and energy, but what's been left over at the end of a busy day.

I'm beginning to see that it's not good enough. They deserve more. Much more.

Last week I had an interview for a job that I thought would really suit me. The hours were flexible and much of the work could be done at home on my own computer. I would not have had the same holidays that I enjoy now (12 weeks a year!) but the work load could have been organised so that when my children were home I was also home - albeit doing work on the computer. But home all the same.

But (there's always a but) it was a huge drop in wages. Still I would've seriously considered it ... but I haven't heard back. I guess that's my answer. At least as far as that job goes.

But as to my calling? I can't help but wonder if I've lost my focus. Right now I'm just not sure what to do about it. I've mentioned it to DH and he agreed that I always seemed tired but he didn't think it was affecting the family.

I disagree. There are days when I don't have the strength to deal with two or three teenagers at the end of the day. It's not just physical tiredness but a emotional tiredness as well. The former I could deal with - the latter is much harder.

There's also a deep longing inside me to have a more meaningful relationship with my kids. They're growing up and I want to know them. Know who they are, what they like and think and feel, know the person inside that incredibly handsome exterior!

I'm going to need more time to think about this.

Today is my day off and there's so much I want to do. There's household chores to catch up on, bills to pay, groceries to buy (a pet hate of mine - I'd rather clean up after a child with tummy bug than go grocery shopping), and I'd like to do something to bless my family - perhaps some baking or a special dessert. However, I realise there's only so many hours in my day and I'm going to struggle to get it all done. Especially if I sit here for much longer.