Turbulent Seas

Last night while channel surfing DH stopped to watch a scene from a popular soap show. After trying to get my head around who was with whom now and whom wasn't with who I commented that some people lead mixed up lives.

Son#5 reminded me that it was only TV and not real life. I replied that what I saw in real life made what was on the screen look tame! We then went on to discuss how God's ways are always best (one of those wonderful teaching moments).

God designed marriage to be one man and one woman for life and when we go against God's plan we experience the consequences of our own foolish actions. What a lot of these popular shows don't show is the fallout from such lifestyles and particularly the effect on children. The show mentioned above shows well-adjusted children moving between two homes with an every-changing string of "step-mothers" and "step-fathers" moving through their lives. In reality, these children are usually anything but well-adjusted.

And because I see how real life imitates TV (or is it the other way around?) I'm disturbed by our modern-day view of marriage and s*x and relationships. But I've felt even more disturbed recently and sadly it's to do with Christian marriage.

I suspect I'm not the only one.

This week our church is holding a marriage seminar. I think it's important to support such events, regardless of whether you "need" them or not. But when DH was asked by one of the elders on Sunday if we would be attending he immediately replied, "My wife's left me". Apparently the elder answered with "That's good" (!) so I'm assuming he realised that DH was joking or else he decided to leave us to sort out our problems ourselves (I'd say definitely the former).

(Just for the record I was at a seminar all weekend and didn't get to church - I hadn't left him - but you can see what I have to put up with!!!)

In the early days of our marriage I read that marriage can be like heaven on earth, or like h*ll on earth, but for most people it is somewhere in between and for those that are in-between it slides up and down the continuum depending on other circumstances.

I'm sure this isn't a new thought. But something that is new for me, has been wondering if there is some point in our marriages where we decide that bad has moved into the realm of worse and we opt out? I've seen a few long-term marriages end recently - some that I thought were solid - and it's got me thinking. I need to be careful what I say, because I am fully aware that we can never know what goes on behind closed doors; that some couples are very skilled at putting on a "good front"; that there are times where staying together may not be the best option (such as where one partner is being abused). But I also can't help wondering if when we say "for better or worse" if we really only mean "for better or bad"?

I think most marriages have their bad times. Times when it seems that walking away would be easier than staying; times when the only thing holding us together is that we vowed before God and man to live together all the days of our lives; times when marriage really does seem like a life sentence to be endured rather than enjoyed.

Yet in my experience, those times pass, and you emerge with a stronger marriage than before. And when you look back you are thankful that you didn't throw it away when the going got tough.

As Christians we seem to have bought into the world's lie that we deserve to be happy and that if we're not happy in our marriage, well it's time to get out and find someone else who can make us happy. But marriage shouldn't be about making us happy. The purpose of marriage is to raise godly children. To not be alone. To cleave to another. To be holy. Nothing in there about happiness.

Perhaps we need to look at marriage as God sees it and throw away all the world's lies; to mean "worse" and not just "bad" when we make our vows; to take our marriage vows seriously; to love sacrificially, not concentrating on our happiness but on the happiness on those we share our lives with; and to allow God to use our marriages for His glory.

And remember: 'Smooth seas don't produce skillful sailors.' It's the rough waters that train us to be His disciples. He uses the turbulent times in our lives to prepare us for His purposes - if we'll let Him (Hannah talking to her daughter Beatrice who was contemplating leaving her husband in Though Waters Roar by Lynn Austin).