Recovery Part Two: The Emotional
Dr Grant Mullen says that everyone – EVERYONE – has emotional baggage. When we become Christians we are born again but with emotional baggage. Getting rid of that baggage takes time and in many instances, counselling. I can’t recommend a Christian counsellor highly enough. If you’ve reached the stage where you’re clinically depressed then I don’t believe self-help books alone will help. You need more and this is where I believe a counsellor comes in.
Our emotions – no matter how powerful – can be wrong. If we rely solely on our emotions to guide us, then we can end up going wrong (just look at the "feel good" culture and how it's twisted God's purpose for love and sex between one man and one woman for life). It’s very hard to resist our emotions when they’re telling us one thing. This is true in many things in life but it’s particularly true with depression and yet you can't recognise that the emotions are telling you something wrong. I'm going to share an example from my own life where my emotions held me in bondage for years - and arose from lies.
Several weeks ago I couldn’t even look in the mirror without being filled with self-hate. Not just dissatisfaction with what I saw but an overwhelming sense of self hate. For years I believed that I was fat and ugly. Not just believed it but felt it - the feelings were incredibly strong and I couldn't shake them. The way I felt about myself affected almost every relationship in my life – including my relationship with God. All I could see – or all I thought I could see – was a fat ugly image looking back at me. It took counselling to trace where that (erroneous) belief came from and to be able to identify – and refute - the lies that had led to that belief. Furthermore, I was able to face the emotional pain and deal with it and develop tools that led toward healing my own self image so that it became more realistic. Now when I look in the mirror, I no longer hate what I see. I don’t have the face – or the body – that I had 20 years ago (don’t we all wish) but I can accept what I do have now and I can even feel attractive and confident (and on the days I don't feel attractive - because few of us look perfect all the time - I can accept it). I had tried doing this on my own, I had confessed the sins of jealousy and vanity, but nothing changed. I was filled with so much self hate at times that I actually had urges to slash my face or shave off my hair. I couldn’t overcome this myself. I needed a skilled counsellor to help me through this – and other baggage. So find one you trust and – more importantly – one who will practice from a Christian perspective. For the believer, I believe this is extremely important.
Friends and interests. It’s often hard to be interested in life and former pursuits if you’re depressed but by avoiding social situations you actually feed back into the feelings of depression. By isolating yourself from friends you feel even more isolated. It takes a supreme effort to get out there and be with people but I believe it's vital. I've always tended to avoid social situations - I'm an introverted introvert! - but I'd often be surprised at how I could actually enjoy - even if just a tiny bit - getting out with other people. It often reaped unexpected benefits, particularly when I was brave enough to share what was going on in my life. The reciprocal stories rather than causing discouragement actually gave me hope and a reason to press on. I know it’s hard to make yourself get out there and socialise – particularly if you’re like me and a natural introvert anyway – but it’s something I recommend trying (and don’t berate yourself afterwards for not talking/laughing/contributing - it’s enough just to be around other people and observe them – don’t let it become another opportunity to engage in negative thinking).
When it comes to interests and pursuits my interests became almost obsessions (which I suspect is also unhealthy and something I had to guard against). However friends benefited from all the socks I produced this last winter so it wasn't all bad! There must be something you enjoy doing or once enjoyed doing - do it again. Take up something - perhaps a class where you also get to meet other people (see paragraph above for the importance of this) and try something new. You might even discover an unexpected talent! If you find you don't like it, move onto something else. There's sure to be something that you enjoy doing and can pour your creative energies into. (Jules makes a mental note not to avoid the quilting group at church any longer - see I need to take my own advice.)
Making an effort. If you feel great getting around in sweats, then by all means do so. But sweat pants and baggy t-shirts do nothing for me and would make me feel even more unattractive. I actually ended up going through my wardrobe and throwing out every item that made me feel ugly whenever I put it on. I found that when I made an effort to put on clothes that I liked and flattered me - even for just around the house - and took some time with my hair and makeup (I'm 45 I think I need a little help now and then) then I would feel better about myself. I still may not have thought that I looked any better, but in some small way I felt better. If having your hair done at the salon makes you feel better (apparently not every one is like me and emerges from the hair salon in tears) - do it. If it's a manicure - do it. If it's just giving yourself a face mask while listening to your favourite music and it makes you feel better - do it. Whatever it is, if in some small way it makes you feel better, then it's worth doing (and yes, you do deserve it).
Next post I’ll talk about the spiritual.
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