Balance

Five minutes before we were due to leave for church this morning, I had an epiphany. I. Just. Had. To. Get. Off. This. Crazy. Merry-Go-Round. Or. Bust.

It wasn't anything to do with church although trying to get ready with a pounding headache and unable to do my hair due to neuralgia on one entire side of my head didn't help.

No, it was more about the expectations and the pressure I put on myself. I felt that I needed to go to church despite not feeling up to par. I felt that I needed to make an outward sign that it was a priority. I felt that I needed to be there so that others wouldn't judge me.

Somewhere between taking painkillers and cleaning my teeth but not yet putting my make-up or shoes on, I asked myself if this was really want God wanted of me, or was I just trying to put on the perfect-Christian face.

As the tears poured down my cheeks I knew that I just couldn't keep going on like this anymore. DH agreed and we instead spent a pleasant hour at the beach, listening to waves, feeling the wind on our faces, talking occasionally, praying silently, and just generally recharging our batteries.

Nothing has yet changed and I don't know how to change it but it was a relief just to Stop.

It's been a tough start to the year and it started with Nehli dying, the stabbing opposite my work place, a father from work dying, DH's colleague leaving and thus increasing his workload, Son#5 breaking his arm (mamas always worry about their babies even when those babies are all grown up), taking on extra responsibilities and professional development opportunities (only three meetings they said but no one explained the additional workload until after we'd signed up), guilt over things that we should be doing (or at least others think we should be doing) and which we're not doing, caring as best as we can for DH's mother and expressing concern over my father's health, and all this while still in the midst of renovations which are disruptive and swallowing up any out-of-work time that DH may have.

It's not unusual for the first few weeks of a new school year to be busy. But the problem is that this time it hasn't abated. If anything, as the weeks have progressed, it's gotten worse. And I can't see a solution.

All I know is that we can't go on like this for another five years or so until DH retires. We need to find some answers now. I need time to go for a walk, or play the flute (even if badly), or sit down and write (and not neglect this blog or my other writing), to plan meals and make sure we all eat properly (something I have really struggled with in recent weeks and I am ashamed to admit that there have been far too many takeaway meals), and to not feel that I am always running from one thing to another and never catching up. We need time as a couple, and time to read to our granddaughters or play games with them, and time for us both to just be.

When a friend complained to me about a similar thing not so long ago I reminded her that even Jesus took time out from the crowds to be alone or with a trusted few.

Perhaps I need to take my own advice.