This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it (Psalm 118:24). It was an unlikely verse to turn to for comfort. It certainly did not seem the most fitting given what was to happen and yet it was the verse that I read that morning and I felt that it was meant for me.
If I can thank the Lord in the good times, why not in the hard times too?
If I can thank Him when life is full of laughter, why not when the tears flow ever so freely?
If I can thank Him for His many blessings, why not when those blessings seem to have been withdrawn?
Such hard questions and not ones I was prepared for as the dawn broke on this new day.
The day that I had been long dreading had arrived and I was being asked to rejoice in it? Could I?
Certainly I felt a strength that was not my own and knew that friends and family had us covered in prayer. If I could have stopped time I would have but no human has ever been able to perform that feat in their own power.
I joked to my husband that I felt as if I was going to my own execution ... but the prospect of parting from this son whom I had loved since I knew of his existence almost twenty-eight years ago was no joke. I knew it was going to be the hardest thing I had ever done.
I was determined not to break down in front of them. But rejoice?
I tried. I prayed. I focused on God's blessings and then ...
One last hug ... one last look ... and they were gone.
I don't know if I've ever known a deeper pain than the one I'm experiencing now. To rejoice seems almost impossible and something I am still grappling with ... along with all the questions to which there appear to be no answers.
I'm still unsure how we are going to navigate this as a family - how we will continue to enjoy the blessing of close-knittedness that has been ours to date. Meanwhile, I have to lean closer in to God. Because right now, that's the only way I can make sense of any of it.
And a photo simply for cuteness sake ...
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