All but one of my five sons live elsewhere - one now overseas. I miss them all but there is a particular ache that comes with having a child overseas and only seeing them infrequently (that is, more infrequently than we see the rest of the family).
When your adult child tells you that they are moving overseas it feels as if your world has come crashing down around you. You feel heartbroken and you have no idea how you will cope. You dread the moving day (in fact, I felt as if I were awaiting my own execution). It's painful and difficult and can be so hard to navigate. Your dreams for coffee dates and impromptu babysitting duties (if grandchildren are involved) and large family gatherings have turned to dust. It may seem as if you are alone when all around are friends with their families close by. Trust me, you're not.
These are some of the things that I found helpful. Some of these tips are ones that others have suggested, some I learnt the hard way, and some are ones I wish I had done better. Learn from my mistakes.
1. When your child first tells you, try to be positive for their sake. They know you will miss them but this is an adventure they are embarking on. Trust their decision as much as it hurts and do what you can to support them even when your heart is breaking.
2. Don't blame yourself. They are not moving away because you are a bad parent or because they don't love you or for any other reason you torment yourself with. Often the decision has nothing to do with you.
3. Don't accuse them of not caring. They do care and they know how much it will hurt you. It's also not true that they don't value family or that your family is not closeknit. They are not breaking up the family. Instead, they are just flying further afield.
4. Don't compare your family to other families or situations. I remember telling myself that I wasn't so bad off because of ... (I went back centuries to when parents never saw their children once they had moved ... or looked at missionaries who often had to leave their children behind in school and not see them for years). It was my way of trying to tell myself I should be able to cope but what I discovered was that I had my own burden to carry and it was better to acknowledge it than try to dismiss it.
5. Conversely, don't look at other people in similar situations and think that you're worse off because their child has only gone x thousand miles away or they see their child more than once a year. It's important to accept your situation.
6. Allow yourself to feel the pain and hurt but don't make your child feel bad about the fact that you are hurting. They know and probably feel guilty about it. Don't make it worse for them. When our son left the first time it was still during the COVID pandemic and there was nowhere to really spend time together at the airport. Just before he walked through solid doors that would take him from my sight, he glanced back and I could see from the look on his face his concern for us because he knew how much we were hurting. That image was burned into my brain until this last trip when we were able to see them off in friendlier circumstances and watch their plane go. (It still hurt but having brighter memories of parting helped).
7. Make the most of the time you have together before they go. It can be difficult - especially if you're living in the same house when you haven't done so for a while - everyone can be on their best behaviour which can cause strain after a while - but try and do things you enjoy together and make some wonderful memories. Same for when they visit.
8. Make plans for when they've gone. Some make plans to visit their adult child once they're settled; others plan to go away and spend a few days away from home to give themselves space to adjust; some plan a project; or some (like me) just want to get home and make it ready again for when they next visit (even if that visit is years away).
9. It may be helpful to find a friend or group that understand what you're going through. Even though I moved away from my family, and even though I had friends whose children had moved overseas, I didn't understand what it was like to have a child move overseas until it happened to me. Friends and family in an attempt to be helpful may say some things that you find hurtful. Try not to judge them too harshly.
10. Be kind to yourself. It's normal to not feel like settling to anything but if your grief and sadness goes on too long, find help. The pain is real and it will take some time to learn to live with the separation, but it does get easier. For me, the first few weeks are hardest. I tend to measure everything in how long it's been since I last held them or saw them. Only twenty-four hours ago I was hugging him goodbye ... A week ago we were all together as a family ... This time two weeks ago we were ... I think this is only natural, but whether it's helpful or not, it's hard to say. This time, once I got past the one-week mark (They've been gone a whole week now) I found that I began to settle and started looking towards the future.
11. If you're someone who forgets to eat when emotionally upset, plan ahead and have meals in the freezer or at least some healthy snacks that you can grab when you're hungry. This last time I was thankful for all the leftovers in the refrigerator because cooking was the last thing I felt like doing.
12. Realise that others in the family may also be struggling with the decision and separation. I like to "fix" things but sometimes we just have to let others grieve in their own way. Be available when they need to talk.
13. Remember that your child is starting a new adventure and they may not be able to contact you as often as you would like. Try not to be too demanding but let them know that even a quick message is reassuring to you and much appreciated. Also realise that if they are in a different country they may not remember things such as Mother's Day or Father's Day if they are celebrated at different times in the calendar year. And time zones mess up birthdays too.
14. Be flexible. Find new ways to stay in touch. Be willing to reschedule or get up early to chat. Find unique ways of celebrating together. (I remember my MIL enjoying being able to Zoom with family in different parts of the world for her birthday during the Pandemic.) The high cost of shipping since COVID has meant that sending gifts may not be an option but look for alternatives such as electronic gift-vouchers, online stores, or stores in their area that deliver (if the exchange rate doesn't make it too prohibitive).
15. Don't forget the power of prayer. The first time, after I stopped getting mad at God and started praising Him for who He is, and acknowledging that He is in control, I found I had peace about the whole situation. I still may not have chosen it, but I was able to accept and trust God with it. I have also seen God answer prayer in our son's life in what have been some difficult situations. Knowing what he was going through - including losing his job and misplacing his wallet with all its important documents - and not being able to do anything but pray has helped us grow in our spiritual life too.
I'm sure there are many more things that can be helpful, but perhaps the thing to remember is that it is a grieving process and it will look different for each individual. When there are grandchildren involved, it becomes more complicated. I treasure every photo and video and view them over and over again (and share them with others - actually, this is true not just for the grandchildren overseas but those here as well) and look forward to the chats. Building and maintaining those relationships may be more challenging and may involve more creativity, but it's not impossible. And the rewards are worth it.
The blanket below was finished while Son#5, DIL#5 and The Most Adorable Granddaughter#8 were visiting. When I look at it I am reminded of finishing two-thirds of it before their visit and discovering that it was the perfect size for a cot (crib); working on it during the long car trip to and from the airport (where I got to meet The Most Adorable Granddaughter#8 for the first time); blocking the finished squares on an unusually quiet afternoon; sewing it together after early morning wake-up calls, or while listening as several older family members played games; and seeing family members curled up under it reading or listening to books.
The border hasn't yet been blocked and I'm strangely reluctant to do it. Perhaps I need another memory opportunity before I feel inspired to do so.
Comments