The Bride (and Groom) Wore White

It’s official. The Garden Wedding Quilt is finished. And I’m happy with the way it turned out (although haven’t heard yet if the newlyweds like it).

The quilt is based on the Double Wedding Ring pattern. There seems to be a lot of myth associated with this pattern but very little known history. It appears to have first been published as a design in the early part of the twentieth century and reached the height of its popularity during the Depression era.

Whatever its true history it has become synonymous with romance and wedlock. It’s interconnecting rings (the design of which may date as far back as fourth century Romans) can symbolise love, marriage, togetherness and unity.

There are also other symbols in the quilt: hearts for romance and to signify love; and feathers for peace and happiness.

The cream background was chosen with purity in mind - just as in times past the bride would have worn white as a symbol of her purity. In our culture today it’s become commonplace for the bride to wear white simply because it's popular or traditional and not because of any symbolic associations.

In Christian circles at least one would hope that this symbolism still remains but even there it’s on shaky ground.

Over the last two years I’ve had the privilege of watching a love unfold in perfect purity as I have watched my son and his now new bride. But I have held off writing this post: it wasn’t my story to tell and I didn’t want to embarrass the young couple. But I was reminded recently that even amongst Christians there is this perception that it is impossible to abstain from sex until marriage. We conveniently forget that God has called us to be sexually pure and that His standards are the ones we are to live by – not the world’s!

As a mother of sons I am aware of the double standards that exist in this world and sadly even in the church. After all, it won’t be my children that come home pregnant! But sexual purity is as important to me as if I had daughters and I’ve worked hard at instilling in my sons the importance of abstaining from sex until marriage.

There are several reasons why I believe it is so important:

1. God asks it of us. To abstain from sex until marriage is to obey Him. The Bible tells us that when we marry our bodies belong to our spouse. Therefore as a single person we have no right to give away what belongs to someone else (our future spouse) or to steal what rightly belongs to someone else.

2. When two people who have remained pure marry they are then able to join together without any regrets for what they’ve done with past partners or any jealousies or concerns that their partner will think they don’t measure up to those he or she has known in the past. Instead they have the wonderful task of learning to love each other their whole lives long.

3. Sin has its consequences. Unplanned pregnancy, STD, AIDS, broken hearts and broken bodies are the risks taken when God’s ways are ignored.

So why do teens who are brought up in godly homes still fail to remain pure? Why is it that Christian young men and women fail to take abstinence seriously?

I believe there are several reasons and sadly, I think parents and the church must accept part of the blame.

1. They fail because we don’t give them expectations to live up to. Whether consciously or unconsciously we give them the message that abstinence is too hard and that we don’t expect them to be able to hold off until marriage. It’s a basic principle of human nature: expect less of someone and you’ll get less; expect more and they’ll likely exceed your expectations.

2. They fail because they fall prey to the Hollywood lie that you can’t help yourself – that it’s impossible to prevent yourself from falling into bed. God doesn’t give us commands that we have no hope of following. When He says “Don’t lie” we take that seriously. Ditto for “Don’t steal” and “Love your neighbour.” It’s not always easy but it is possible to obey. The same with “Wait for marriage”. However the trouble begins when we allow ourselves to get into situations where temptation is very hard to walk away from. This seems to be particularly true for sexual sin and I suggest that this is in large part due to our culture. We have made a god out of falling in love and finding romance and experiencing the joys of close physical contact. We encourage dating from an early age and fail to emphasise the value of waiting for God to bring a mate to us and to do things His way. In fact, we set ourselves up for failure by getting into compromising situations and then excusing our behaviour by saying we couldn’t help ourselves. In short, we believe the lie.

3. Lastly, they fail because we don’t give them guidelines. We say “Don’t” and think that will do the trick when we should be putting in place safeguards to protect their purity (and also their hearts). We throw them to the wolves (so to speak) and expect them to come home unscathed.

So what can parents do?

* Start training and teaching your children when they’re young. It’s never too young for godly sex training. I’m certainly not advocating telling them about the birds and the bees when they’re just getting out of nappies/diapers (about the time the first questions start!). It is unwise to give children information beyond their years but their early questions can be answered with sensitivity and with reference to God’s ways. When a baby is born it can be emphasised how wonderful it is that God made this baby and placed it in a family because His design is for two people to marry and raise children together. As children grow the explanation can be more detailed so that by the time they enter their teens they will know what is right and what is wrong and what God expects of them.

* Encourage your children to pray about their future spouse. Even when they’re still at the age where they think the opposite sex is eek! Once they’re old enough to understand, encourage them to pray that they and their future spouse will be able to guard their hearts and their bodies for marriage.

* Pray for them. It’s never too early to pray for your child’s marriage and for the purity of the marriage bed. Never estimate the power you have as a parent to pray for your child.

* Discourage casual dating. Instead encourage them to wait until they are of an age to marry before looking for a mate. It’s obvious: if they’re too young for marriage then they’re too young to be pairing off with someone of the opposite sex. All they are going to learn that way is how to have their heart broken. Instead encourage them to relate to both sexes through healthy group activities (it helps if you have a youth group that discourages pairing off but sadly not all do).

* Discourage activities or events where young people will be too much alone or exposed to increased sexual temptation. Consider whether activities such as going to the movies (depending on the film), swimming (particularly if it’s not with a group), dancing (if pairing off is encouraged and outfits are likely to be revealing) etc are suitable even if it is a church-organised event (sometimes even the best of youth leaders will plan unwisely). And parking is definitely a no-no. Getting to grips with someone in the back seat of a parked car is just asking for trouble.

* Some parents have found that asking their pre-teen for a promise to remain pure and perhaps sealing the promise with a ring or similar piece of jewellery is effective. We haven’t tried it in our family and recently have become aware of some concerns with these ideals The belief that "we can go so far and still remain pure" places more importance on not losing one's virginity than it does on remaining pure in spirit and in heart and mind.

* Realise that as a parent you do have the right to set rules. I’ve heard of parents whose children started dating at an early age and the parents have felt that it was too soon but felt powerless to prevent it. Well hello! Who makes the rules around here? Who is the parent? Just because your teen is moving toward independence doesn’t mean you can give up the driver’s seat permanently. Your job’s not done yet.

* Discuss alternatives to dating for the time when they think they have found their future mate. This could include getting to know each other in the company of family and friends; deciding to refrain from physical contact (holding hands, cuddling, kissing) until engagement or wedding day; encouraging them to commit their time together to the Lord; making a promise to one another to protect the other’s purity; and many others that I haven’t yet thought of.

For those couples that refrain from sex until their wedding day, they reap the benefits of it within their own marriages. They give each other a wonderful gift that is complete and brand new. However, as special as this is, we must remember that for those who mess up, there is forgiveness. Sure, we want the best for our children, and this means that they enter marriage pure (and remain pure by remaining faithful physically, emotionally, mentally), but we also live in a fallen world. Our children are human and make mistakes. But there is a chance to repent and to start again. We have a God who redeems. Who forgives. There is hope.