Men and Modesty

I'm going to go out on a limb here. This past week I've read and researched modesty in Christian women. I've gained some insights and I've been encouraged as I've seen younger women take this issue seriously (I'm a mother of boys - I want them to marry modest girls).

I know the focus of this week has been about modesty in women. But something has been troubling me for a few days. Is there anything about modesty in men?

I don't mean about men guarding their hearts and thoughts when around women whose dress is inappropriate. I do realise that both sexes have a responsibility here (women to ensure they don't wear clothing that could cause a brother to sin, and men to guard their thoughts and eyes). As my DH has pointed out, in today's world so often it's hard for the male to know exactly where to look, which is why there has been so much emphasis this past week on women being modest. What has been troubling me though is the lack of emphasis on the male to also keep his body for his future wife.

I realise that Modesty Week has been about the female heart and body and I certainly wasn't expecting answers in the blogs I read. They had a different focus and that's as it should be. But I still had this burning question. I did a quick search online and all I could find about men and modesty was to do with men having an issue with the fact that nurses - mostly female - did not treat them as if they had any right to modesty. Interesting. I was a nurse and I do know that we never gave a great deal of thought to how our male patients felt about being cared for by an unknown woman.

So here are my thoughts on male modesty. Without any suitable resources I've had to rely on my own rather hazy thoughts. Please feel free to post your comments. I'd like to know if I've really lost it (if I have I'll just blame this head cold that's leaving me feeling dizzy at the moment).

Dress in private. As a teenager I was in the home of a couple when the husband walked from the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around his waist. Having grown up in a home where my father was always fully dressed and my sister and I were expected to be the same, I was embarrassed. When he stopped to talk to those of us gathered in the kitchen, I didn't know where to look. Twenty-five years, a stint in nursing, a husband and five sons later, a similar thing happened when I visited my son in the Christian hostel where he was staying. And guess what? I still didn't know where to look. I feel the same when a male removes his shirt in public. I know this isn't as big an issue as it is for the female, but there is still something intimate about a man not fully-dressed and personally I would prefer not to be exposed to the sight of it unless it's in my own home.

Swimwear. There's an ad on television here that shows a man in a skimpy swimsuit. As he walks from the beach to the town the voice-over says, "Swimwear ... swimwear ... swimwear ... underwear." Why is one accepted on the beach but not on the street? I think men can have a problem revealing too much just as women can. Be aware. And please check that those board/surf shorts are not see-through when wet.

Underwear. If men want to wear Scooby-Do underwear that's their choice. Unless it's hanging on the clothesline, I don't want to see it. Keep it hidden. And keep those pants up.

So have I lost it? What do you think? Please share your thoughts with me.

Comments

java girl said…
Jules,

I honestly have to say that I agree, and really haven't thought much about it. I think that what you said is very well thought out and well written. I'm the youngest of three children, with two older brothers. We were always fully clothed before we left the bathroom. My dad always was fully clothed around us kids. And my brothers always had trunks that looked like shorts, my dad didn't swim so I don't know about that. And usually my brothers would ahve t-shirts on too just because we all burned easily.

I think that modesty in men is just as important as women and not talked about very often. Loved this post.

Have a great weekend!
SchnauzerMom said…
I agree. Men need to keep everything covered up too!
Mary said…
I agree. I have boys, who thank God are modest. I too am embarrassed at seeing shirtless men, or men in skimpy swimwear. I think modesty is just as important for males today, especially because young women are being trained, and training themselves, to be visually stimulated, just like men. That's the way our society is today. Also, with the unnatural sexuality that is rampant today, males need to stay clothed to not lead other males astray. KWIM? Most males probably never even think of that. Goes for females, too.
Jules said…
Civilla, you have raised a good point. I had thought about the fact that there are women today who are training themselves to respond visually to the male body in the same way it comes naturally for men (you put it better than I could) but I hadn't thought of the problem with male and male. Thank you for raising that. However, I do question whether a male (or a female) can be held responsible for such an unnatural response? Just how far does our personal responsibility go in this area? Does this mean that girl pyjama parties would have to be banned in case someone had a problem in this area? I don't know. I would appreciate readers' thoughts.

And thank you to SchnauzerMom and SimpleBeauty for saying that you agree. Because my search did not turn up anything on this topic I really wondered if I was weird for feeling this way.

I appreciate your comments so much.

Blessings, Jules
Mary said…
Yeah, I don't know about that, Jules. I guess I was thinking of out in public, not at a gathering of friends like say a pajama party. Seems everybody is being visually stimulated to look at everybody today. Not good.
Jules,

I have to agree. Another thing I dislike is seeing a man with his underwear showing or his behind showing when he bends over. My husband rarely ever removes his shirt even on the beach. He wears longer trunks and a t-shirt of some sort.

I've been blessed to have two children, who so far, are both very modest. My son is up careful with his dress and actually prefers button up/down shirts and to wear a belt. My daughter refuses to wear anything to short on bottom or too short on top. (Her way of describing plunging necklines...lol)

I'm really glad you posted this. Modesty in men is a real issue. Have you looked at a magazine lately -- the popular press thinks nothing of featuring scantily clad men.

While women aren't primarily visually stimulated we still find certain features attractive. Society is willing to cash in on that.
Lisa Grace said…
You raise some very good points; we are working at instilling the same values of modesty and respect in our son as we do our daughter. I believe part of modesty in men is teaching boys to respect women, and flowing from that will come an instinctual understanding of physical modesty.
Joyce said…
I think the things you've said are 'right-on', Jules.
busymomof10 said…
Excellent post, Jules! I have 6 boys and I agree with everything you said!

What about swimming? My boys wear long swim trunks but swim without a shirt on, unless we have guests. Then, they wear a t-shirt, out of respect for our guests. What are your thoughts on this? Is it OK for young men to swim shirtless or be on a beach shirtless? I feel a little uncertain where to draw the line here.

thanks for diving in to this topic!
Elizabeth
Jules said…
Elizabeth, when my sons aren't wearing a wet suit they wear board/surf shorts that just about skim the knee and a rash shirt (sun-safe shirt). We live in the skin cancer capital of the world - it would be silly for them to go shirtless for too long. However, occasionally they might remove their shirt for a few minutes and I don't have a problem with that as long as it's only family. When they're in a mixed group I prefer them (and in fact, they seem to prefer it because it's not something we've ever really discussed) to wear a shirt when swimming. But something I've struggled with is when I've been in a mixed group and a man suddenly removes his shirt in front of me. To me, there's something almost intimate in the gesture and it embarrases me. I wonder if it could be handled differently?

I think the fact that you encourage your boys to wear shirts when you have guests out of respect for them is great.

I'm not the best one to address this issue. Our beaches here are not particularly crowded and we can get away from other groups and have more privacy than some of the crowded beaches in other parts of the world. However it was something on my heart so I have attempted to address the issue.

I will admit that I'm still trying to work through this issue myself but I do think there are different standards for on the beach to what there is in other situations. I don't necessarily think this is hypocritical.

Blessings, Jules
Jules said…
Since writing the above, DH has arrived home and shared a story of a male colleague who was standing in such a way that his lower abdomen was exposed to a female colleague. My DH's reaction was disgust at the male and pity for the female that she was subjected to such a sight.

It made me stop and pause about why I think modestly is important in the male. What principles are at stake?

Something that was touched on again and again during Modesty Week was the fact that men are visually stimulated and the way women dress can cause them to really struggle with their thoughts and impulses. Therefore as Christian women we have a responsibility to dress modestly so as not to lead our Christian brothers in to temptation and sin.

Another thing that came up again and again, was that the woman should keep her body for her husband or future husband only. It is something that is infinitely priceless that is not to be shared with everyone.

While the first is not so much of a problem for women (although as Civilla mentioned, women are now training themselves to be aroused in the same way that men are - although hopefully not Christian women), the second still holds true. Do I want other women looking at my husband's body or do I think it's something that should be reserved just for me?

As I said I am still working through these issues. What is and what isn't acceptable? Where do we draw the line? Do some situations (such as the beach or pool) have different rules?

And then there are the other questions. What about pregnant women? What constitues modest maternity clothing? Is it okay for someone to touch a pregnant belly without the mother's permission? (I still cringe when I recall this happening to me.)What about other sports such as ice-skating, ballet, gymnastics? And formal occasions? And weddings? (I've been told it's acceptable to show a bit of clevage at a wedding - why pray tell?)

And rather than start making a whole list of rules I think we need to look at our heart. HUmbly. Prayferfully. Honestly. And it might be that for some it may mean that they forgo a particular activity, but for most I think, they will find a way to be modest, to show respect to others, to preserve their body for their spouse, and to still enjoy certain activities.

Blessings, Jules