This isn't the post I had written for today, although some parts of the original I will keep in (they're the bits in bold type). A few days ago when reading my devotional (Our Daily Bread which was a wedding gift and one which we probably only used once - that is going to change this year) I was reminded that we have not trod this way before and yet, He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold (Job 23:10, NKJV).
This is a new year with new goals and new dreams and, alas, new mistakes. Even though what has happened between the partial writing of a blog post this morning and now feels as if we've trodden this path before, in reality, it is a new path and with different landmarks and boundaries along the way.
This morning as DH was leaving he casually mentioned that he was going to see if he could get an appointment with his optometrist today. It seems that a few times in the past few days he has noticed a shadow in front of his left eye. At first he thought it was just the corner of his sunglasses he was seeing but then when he noticed "flashing lights" when walking down our hallway, he decided he better get it seen to. After completing a few hours of work, he came home midmorning and picked me up and then dropped me at physio before going to his appointment. As I sat in the waiting room at the physiotherapist's, I thought more about what I had been writing earlier in the day.
Recently I have been challenged that as Christians in the West we are too comfortable. The heroes of the faith of old knew that as Christians we had to take up our cross and die to self. Nowadays we want a comfortable faith - a comfortable life - we want material and physical blessings without the hardship that often characterises the Christian walk. We place emphasis on what God can do for us rather than what we are called to do for Him.
No one wants hardship. In the early (and mid) years of our marriage we knew what it was like to struggle to pay the bills and even at times put food on the table. We've had our share of difficulties over the years, and, in all honesty, I prefer the comfortable life to the dying-to-self. It's not easy to put aside my selfish wants and consider the needs of others. Marriage is a great place to learn about dying to self but it's not the only school.
As I sat waiting for my turn (and I really wasn't waiting that long) I wondered about those who knew what it was to give up their comfort, their dreams, their plans, and even their lives for the cross. In our modern life would we even understand why they made the sacrifices they did? We see even minor frustrations as an affront and believe we have the right to pursue our own dreams and plans come what may.
Today, we were called to give up some of our plans and to welcome frustration - even trial as we don't yet know what the future holds - with open arms and to trust the One who does hold the future. As DH and I waited for the optometrist to bring us a letter of referral to the ophthalmologist, DH questioned what it would mean for his remaining working life and if in fact, he would even be able to see in his retirement. It felt as if we were travelling a similar path again but one in which the landmarks had been changed. And yet we knew that none of this had taken our God by surprise and so we decided to trust Him despite the uncertainty.
Fast forward a few hours and I sit here re-blogging as DH travels to Wellington with his brother and our plans for this coming week have flown out the window. I was not able to drive that far (especially after physio this morning where the therapy we agreed upon was to strengthen the joint rather than minimise pain) and instead could only send a few text messages to see who was available to chauffeur. Despite it being a gorgeously sunny day and still our summer break (where individuals, like our ophthalmologist on-call, would be more likely to be heading off to the beach than sitting around waiting for a call) I had several offers within a few minutes.
It appears that DH has a detached retina again. Four years ago a similar thing happened. This time it is the other eye and not as a result of any injury. This time I have not gone with DH and I am finding that extremely hard. I know there will be long waiting times for him and I may not even hear tonight whether he will undergo surgery tonight or tomorrow. And then there is the task of getting him home - for which several family members have already put up their hand and for which I am extremely grateful.
And it goes without saying that our wedding anniversary this year is probably not going to go at all according to plan. Our plan that is.
But I am reminded that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ (Phil 1:6, NKJV) and that the Hands that hold mine bear the scars from nails. And so I will not be anxious or chafe at the "disruption" to our lives, or to allow those niggly fears and worries to take root, or to even question "Why", but instead to trust the One who will never let me down.
Postscript: As I was finishing up this post (for the second? third? time) Son#1 and DIL#1 decided to kidnap me and take me to Wellington. Partway we were met by Son#4 and DIL#4 who took me the rest of the way. Just before midnight I was able to see DH who looked surprisingly good (I'm remembering the first glimpse of him last time when he looked anything but good) and learnt that the surgery had gone well. A different technique was used this time (and the damage was nowhere near as extensive) and he will not have to lie flat on his back this time for ten days.
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