Sorrow

Yesterday I wrote about my own marriage, today I feel drawn to comment on another - as if any of us have the right to dissect another person's marriage. But when that marriage has shared in the public arena a sin that has gone on for eight years, somehow it affects us all, especially those in the family of God.

I've only ever skim read one of Philip Yancey's books, but as with any Christian who publicly falls, my heart sorrows for the damage done to those involved and to the name of Christ.

While I respect his public confession and his decision to remove himself from Christian ministry (so few do, trying to hold onto their power and reputation), I hurt for his wife.

Eight years. Eight years of lies, deceit, betrayal. Eight years believing you had a strong, healthy marriage, that you were a team, only to have it all come tumbling down around you as you learn the depth and breadth of your husband's infidelity.

Janet Yancey has said she will stand by the vows she made fifty-five-and-a-half years ago. I admire her for such a stand. But I hope she realises, especially when the numbness gives way to the heart-wrenching, knife-twisting pain, that there is another option. While I am a strong advocate for marriage, it's not at the expense of those who are hurting. There is a scriptural way out for those who discover the pain is too deep. 

Forgiveness does not necessarily lead to reconciliation. She has been hurt beyond measure. Not only has Philip sinned again God but against her as well. There will be many moments of looking back at words and actions and moments over the last eight years and realising that it wasn't about her marriage but about them. The pain will be intense. And, despite Philip withdrawing from ministry, it will still occur somewhat in the public eye.

While Christians are showing grace to Philp and reminding us that we are all sinners - and I'm not saying we shouldn't do these things - we should also spare a moment for the woman who has been betrayed, whose world and memories have been shattered. Who is now expected to forgive and move on. May she take all the time she needs to heal and to pray through her decision, to understand that his sin has broken their marriage covenant, and while it can be restored through God's grace, He also provides a way out. Nor should she stay because she feels obligated to be his caregiver in his old age and illness, as the moment he entered into another women's bed he released her from any such obligation.

I have not walked the path that Janet is walking, and I pray I never do. I certainly would not be able to stand publicly for my marriage at such an early stage of the healing process. There would be things I would wish to do or say that are unlawful. But I have walked with a close friend through infidelity and I've learnt that it never leaves. The trust can be rebuilt - to a point. Joy can return to the marriage. But there is always a shadow. 

So, yes, pray for Philip. But don't forget to pray for those betrayed. His wife. His family. His friends. His former colleagues. And for other leaders that they will be able to stand against temptation and not bring dishonour to the name of our Lord.

[I couldn't bring myself to share a photo of those involved. In some way, I have to respect their privacy. But this photo of a calm and slow-moving river moving almost unknowingly towards the waterfall makes me think of how Janet's world has been shattered. One moment all calm and seemingly going well - the next, tumultuous emotions and a world turned upside down.]